View Full Version : Poptops Jokes
I really like dumb jokes and have a bunch stored up so I'll try to give you folks a laugh by posting one a day. If you have any of your own feel free to post them here
Here one we all can relate to:
Spending too much time on the computer
Here are some common indicators:
1. You accidentally enter your computer password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
''long-service to the company'' awards.
AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE...
13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your friends.
15. You got this e-mail from a friend who never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.
16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9.
17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No. 9.
18. AND NOW YOU'RE LAUGHING at yourself.
Finally:
19. You've read this before.
Cyberrat
12-03-2008, 21:31
:rofl:
I'm glad you enjoyed that one Cyberrat.:cool:
Walking Across Water
A rabbi, a priest and a pastor were all in a boat together fishing. The pastor said to the others, "I think I am going to go over to that shore and sit down." So, he gets out of the boat, walks across the water and sits down on the shore. Then, the priest says to the rabbi, "I think I going to go over there to join him." So, he does the same as the pastor and sits next to him on the shore. The rabbi thinks to himself, "Well, if they can do it, so can I!" So, he climbs out of the boat, but he falls in the water. The pastor says to the priest, "Do you think we should of told him where the rocks were?"
sapphire
13-03-2008, 14:26
hehehehehe:-D
15 Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex:-p
1.You can GET chocolate.
2.Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
3.You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
4.You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
5.You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
6.Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
7.The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
8.You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.
9.You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
10.With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
11.You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
12.You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
13.You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
14.When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake
15.With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good
Confession booth
A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "$750."
Man- "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
Gods Gifts
One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said.
Adam looked at The Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given me. What could the bad news possibly be?"
The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."
10 Reasons Why Hockey Is Better Than Sex
1. It's legal to play hockey professionally.
2. The puck is always hard.
3. Protective equipment is reusable and you don't even have to wash it.
4. It lasts a full hour.
5. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.
6. Your parents cheer when you score.
7. Periods only last 20 minutes.
8. You can count on it at least twice a week.
9. You can tell your friends about it afterwards.
10. A two-on-one or three-on-one is not uncommon.
Heaven's Car
Three friends are in a car driving to the ballgame when a big truck runs them over, killing them instantly.
They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed by St. Peter. "OK, you," he says, pointing to Vito, "How many times did you cheat on your wife? And don't lie, I'm St. Peter you know. "
Vito hangs his head and replies, "Honestly Pete, I was with two maybe three different broads a week."
St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that used Geo Metro over there, goodbye."
He looks at Eddie and asks, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"
Eddie replies, "I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on my wife 3 times."
St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that LeBaron, goodbye."
He then looks at Jacob and asks, "And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
Jacob lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say that over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife! In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I remained celibate the whole time!"
St. Peter replies, "Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible, goodbye!"
A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for Jacob at the park where all three had planned to meet. Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby.
Vito asks, "Hey! Whatsamatterwidyou? We should be crying! We're stuck with these ugly buckets and you got a new Ferrari!"
Jacob, between sobs replies, "I just saw my wife on a skateboard!"
Blind Man in Texas
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
Cyberrat
20-03-2008, 13:36
:hysterical:
Where Am I
A drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church and sat down in a confession box, saying nothing.
The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing.
The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replied, "No use knockin', mate, there's no paper in this one either."
Great :hysterical::hysterical:
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts
open and in come four exuberant blonds. They come up to the bar, order
five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit
down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and
they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon,
three more blonds arrive, take their drinks and the chanting grows. "51
days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blond comes in with a
picture under her arm, She walks over to the table, sits the picture down
in the middle of the table,, and all hell breaks loose. Up jump the others,
they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while
chanting "51 day, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his
curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is
a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy
dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blonds, "What's all
the chanting and celebration about?" The blond who brought in the
picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blonds are dumb and they make fun
of us. So, we decided to set the records straight. Ten of us got together,
bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years,
but we put it together in 51 days.
:lol: Some great jokes there!! Thanks for keeping us amused :-D
Thank you Fiona it's nice to know my efforts are appreciated :cheekkiss:
Nose Picking Glossary:yuk:
The Kiddie Pick
When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there's no time limit!
Camouflaged Kiddie Pick
When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.
Fake Nose Scratch
When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.
Making A Meal Out Of It
You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.
Surprise Pickings
When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.
Autopick
The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking.
Pick Your Brains
Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.
Pick And Save
When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.
Pick And Roll
No explanation needed.
Pick And Flick
Ditto.
Pick And Stick
You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.
Paydirt
The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.
Little package
Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon, the pastor came to call on her, and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago, and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease."
"And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter."
Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.
So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"
You know you're having a bad day when...
Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You call the suicide prevention hot line and they put you on hold.
Your income tax refund check bounces.
It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
You wake up with your braces stuck together.
You put both contacts into the same eye.
You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your MasterCard.
Nothing you own is actually paid for.
When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.
You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, you find a sandwich on the front porch.
You open your briefcase for the big meeting and find nothing in it but your 5 year olds coloring pages.
You are actually looking forward to sitting down and enjoying the junk e-mail sent to you.
You look into the car you just locked and notice the keys hanging in the ignition.
Your secretary tells you that a film crew from "60 Minutes" is waiting in your office.
You call your voice mail for messages and they're from your Doctor, your mechanic, and the IRS.
Why God Created Eve
Top Ten Reasons Why God Created Eve
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the Garden.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone.
And finally, the Number 1 reason why God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aardvark!
Aardvark who?
Aardvark a hundred miles for one of your smiles!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aaron!
Aaron who!
Aaron on the side of caution!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Abbott!
Abbott who?
Abbott time you answered the door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Abe!
Abe who?
Abe C D E F G H...!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Abyssinia!
Abyssinia who?
Abyssinia behind bars one of these days!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Acid!
Acid who?
Acid down and be quiet!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ada!
Ada who?
Ada burger for lunch!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adair!
Adair who?
Adair once but I'm bald now!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adam!
Adam who?
Adam if I do and adam if I don't!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adelia!
Adelia who?
Adelia the cards and we'll play snap!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adlai!
Adlai who?
Adlai a bet on that!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adolf!
Adolf who?
Adolf ball hit me in the mouth!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aesop!
Aesop who?
Aesop I saw a puddy cat!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Agatha!
Agatha who?
Agatha headache. Do you have an aspirin?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Agnes!
Agnes who?
Agnes & Topeka & the Santa Fe!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ahmed!
Ahmed who?
Ahmedeus Motzart!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alaska!
Alaska who?
Alaska my friend the question then!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aida!
Aida who?
Aida lot of sweets and now I've got tummy ache!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Al!
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open this door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aladdin!
Aladdin who?
Aladdin the street wants a word with you!
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup ?
Don't worry sir that spider on your bread will soon get him !
Waiter, do you have frogs legs ?
No sir, I've always walked like this.
Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
Um, looks to me to be backstroke, sir...
Waiter, this egg is bad
Don't blame me sir, I only laid the table !
Waiter, there is a fly in the butter !
Yes sir, it's a butterfly!
Waiter, waiter! There's a dead spider in my soup.
Yes, ma'am, they can't stand the boiling water.
Waiter, there is a mosquito in my soup !
Don't worry sir, they don't eat much !
Waiter, there is a dead fly swimming in my soup !
Don't be silly, dead flies can't swim !
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Surely not, sir. It must be one of those vitamin bees you hear so much about.
Waiter, this soup tastes funny !
Then why aren't you laughing ?
Waiter, your tie is in my soup!
That's all right, sir, it's not shrinkable.
Waiter, this coffee is terrible, it tastes like earth !
Yes sir, it was ground yesterday !
Waiter, there's a caterpillar on my salad
Don't worry sir, there is no extra charge.
Waiter, waiter! There's a spider in my soup. Send for the manager! It's no good, sir, he's frightened of them, too.
Waiter, there is a dead fly on my steak !
I don't know sir, perhaps it died after tasting it !
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup !
Yes sir, he's committed insecticide
Waiter, what is this creepy-crawly doing in my salad?
Not him again, he's in here every night !
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup !
What do you expect for 20 Rupees, a beetle ?
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup !
Just you wait until you see the main course !
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Couldn't be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread.
Waiter, what is this cockroach doing on my ice cream sundae ?
Skiing sir !
Waiter, waiter! What's this creepy crawly thing doing in my dinner?
Oh, that one ? he comes here every night.
Waiter, there is a small slug in this lettuce
I'm sorry sir, would you like me to get you a bigger one ?
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
No sir, that's a cockroach, the fly is on your steak.
Waiter, there is a dead fly in my soup !
Yes sir, it's the heat that kills them !
Waiter, there is a beetle in my soup !
Sorry sir, we're out of flies today !
Waiter, there is a wasp in my pudding !
So that's where they go in winter !
Waiter, there is a slug in my salad !
Sorry madam, no pets allowed !
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Keep it down sir, or they'll all be wanting one.
Waiter, there is a spider drowning in my soup !
It hardly looks deep enough to drown in sir !
Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup ?
It looks like it's learning to swim sir
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Its OK, Sir, there's no extra charge!
Waiter, do you have frogs legs !
Yes sir
Well hop off into the kitchen and bring my meal then please !
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Force of habit, sir. Our chef used to be a tailor.
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
I know, but unfortunately we are out of turtle.
Waiter, why is there a fly in my ice cream ?
Perhaps he likes winter sports !
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
Sorry sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.
Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup!
Then we've served you too much soup, the fly should be wading.
Waiter, can you get rid of this fly in my starter !
I can't do that sir, he's not had his main course yet !
Waiter, bring me something to eat and make it snappy
How about a crocodile sandwich sir !
Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
Yes sir, it's the hot water that kills them.
Waiter, there is a dead fly in my soup !
No its not, it's a piece of dirt that looks like one !
Waiter, there are two flies in my soup !
That's alright sir, have the extra one on me !
Waiter, there is a dead fly in my soup !
Oh no, who will look after his family !
Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
What do you expect for 5 rupees - a live one?
Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
It's fly soup sir!
Waiter, what is this bug doing on my wives shoulder!
I don't know - friendly thing isn't he !
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup !
Yes, it's the rotting meat that attracts them !
Waiter, there is a frog in my soup !
Don't worry sir there isn't enough there to drown him !
Waiter, waiter, there's a bee in my soup.
Yes Sir, it's the fly's day off.
Waiter, there's a fly in my custard !
I'll fetch him a spoon sir !
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup !
Yes sir, thats the manager, the last customer was a witch doctor !
Waiter, there is a slug in my salad !
I'm sorry sir, I didn't realize you where a vegetarian !
Waiter, this coffee tastes like dirt!
Yes sir, thats because it was only ground this morning.
Waiter, what is this stuff?
That's bean salad sir.
I know what it's been, but what is it now?
Waiter, there is a bee in my alphabet soup !
Yes sir, and I'm sure there is an A, C and all the other letters too !
A good friend is like a good bra:
Hard to find, very comfortable,
supportive, holds you up when you are down
and always close to the heart.
Husband store
Recently a "Husband Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...
First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.
Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left."
Darth Domain
31-03-2008, 10:37
:hysterical:
If you liked that one you'll probably like this one.:-D
Are Computers Men or Women?
A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
"House" in French, is feminine -"la maison," "Pencil" in French, is masculine "le crayon."
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word was not in her French dictionary.
So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine "le computer") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model.
Sherlock Holmes and Watson are camping in the desert; they set up their tent and fall asleep. Some hours later, Sherlock Holmes wakes his friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asks Sherlock Holmes.
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,?"
Sherlock Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
Darth Domain
02-04-2008, 10:19
Sherlock Holmes and Watson are camping in the desert; they set up their tent and fall asleep. Some hours later, Sherlock Holmes wakes his friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asks Sherlock Holmes.
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,?"
Sherlock Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
elementary my dear pop:hysterical:
This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, what ever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blond super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
APPLICATION TO GO OUT / RETURN LATE
Name:
I request permission for a leave of absence from my marital home for the following period:
Date ……..……Time of departure ……………………. Time of return…………….
Should permission be granted, I do solemnly swear to only visit locations stated below. Nor
shall I speak to another female other than those listed without gaining oral permission to do
so from my better half. Nor shall I consume above the allocated volume of alcohol without
first phoning for a taxi or ordering a tandoori. I understand that even if permission is
granted my wife retains the right to be pissed off with me the following day for no valid
reason what so ever.
Amount of alcohol allowed (units)________
Locations likely to be visited__________
Females likely to be encountered_________
Strength of curry permitted_________
I am a low life. I know who wears the trousers in our home, and it ain't me. I promise to
abide by your rules and regulations. I understand that this is going to cost me a fortune
in Cadbury's Roses, Flowers, Perfume and Jewelry. You reserve the right to obtain and use
my credit cards in my absence. I hereby promise not to sleep overnight on a park bench
next to a tramp (or in an alley). On my way home, I will not pick a fight with a person who
only exists in my inebriated mind, nor shall I conduct in depth discussions with said entity.
I declare that to the best of my knowledge (of which I have none) the above information is
correct.
Signed:
Request is APPROVED / TURNED DOWN
This decision is not open to negotiation other than on my terms.
Permission for my Husband/Partner to be away for the period
Date ………………. Time of departure …………………………
Signed:
Time of return
Because I'm a man
... when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
Because I'm a man when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.....(applies to engineers mainly).
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
http://bestsmileys.com/lol/1.gif
Thank you for that omg, I needed that....lol
http://bestsmileys.com/lol/1.gif
Thank you for that omg, I needed that....lol
I'm glade it gave you a chuckle Sharon. :)
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions!
Q : How do you really confuse a blonde?
A : Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner!
Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out!
Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: T*ts go in front!
Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first!
Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered!
Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant!
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought!
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run...she's got a hand grenade in her mouth!
Q: Why did the blonde climb over the chain link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side!
Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house!
Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
A: Third Grade!
Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's!
Q : What goes "vroom - screech | vroom-screech | vroom-screech"?
A : A blonde at a blinking red light.
Q: What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair brunette?
A: Artificial intellegence
Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe!
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?
A: It took her 2 weeks to figure out that you could play it at night!
Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold!
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the # 11???
A: She didn't know which 1 came first!
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the fish?
A: She tried to drown it!
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff!
Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it!
Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture!
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads!
Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees!
Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations!
Q: There are three third grade girls, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. Which one has the biggest tits?
A: The blonde.... she's 18!
Q: What do you get when you put 20 blonde's ear to ear?
A: A WIND TUNNEL!
Q: How do you drown a dumb blonde?
A:Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool!
Q : how did the blonde wreck the hellicopter?
A : she got cold and turned off the fan.
Q : What did the blondes right leg say to her left leg?
A : Nothing, they've never met!
Q. How do you know when a blonde has been in your fridge?
A. there's lipstick on all the cucumbers.
Q:What do you call a blonde behind the steering wheel?
A: An airbag.
Q : What was the blonde doing up in the tree?
A : She was raking leaves.
Q : How can you tell a blonde has been in the bathroom?
A : There is make-up all over the mirror
Q : What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A :You pick it up, pull the pin, and throw it back!!!
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: If you smack the blonde she blonde she keeps on sucking!
Q.How does a blonde turn on a light after have sex?
A.She opens a car door.
Q.Why can't blondes make kool-aid?
A.They don't understand how to get the 2 quarts of water into the little package.
Q.What did the blonde say to her boyfriend after he blew in her ear?
A.Thanks for the refill.
There was a blonde and brunette walking through the woods. The brunette pointed and said look a dead bird the blonde looked up and asked, "where??".
Can anyone tell me what's wrong with this picturehttp://pic14.picturetrail.com/VOL562/3301742/6764987/312142607.jpg
Can anyone tell me what's wrong with this picturehttp://pic14.picturetrail.com/VOL562/3301742/6764987/312142607.jpg
Wahahahaha... I almost thought I was a blonde...
She has a ciggie in hand with the petrol open.. dam... that could only be painful...:lol:
Wahahahaha... I almost thought I was a blonde...
She has a ciggie in hand with the petrol open.. dam... that could only be painful...:lol: And the prize goes to Unity here you go :bighug:.
It could be painful for her and anyone within 50 meters. LOL ;)
One day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He did.
"Now take off my skirt." He did.
"Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes to town again, I'll fire you on the spot."
http://bestsmileys.com/eek/7.gif... Didn't see that coming.. whahahaha..
love reading this thread it makes me smile:) no matter what kind of day i am having.
http://bestsmileys.com/sad/1.gif, nothing posted here today???
love reading this thread it makes me smile:) no matter what kind of day i am having.
Now you know why I post them, to give someone a smile.;)
Here you go Sharon I hope it was worth the wait. LOL:hug:
A POEM FOR COMPUTER USERS OVER 40
A Computer was something on TV,
From a Science Fiction show of note.
A Window was something you hated to clean,
And Ram was the father of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend,
And Gig was a job for the nights.
Now they all mean different things,
And that really Mega Bytes.
An Application was for employment,
A Program was a TV show.
A Cursor used profanity,
A Keyboard was a piano.
A Memory was something that you lost with age,
A CD was a bank account.
And if you had a 3-inch floppy,
You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage,
Not something you did to a file.
And if you Unzipped anything in public,
You'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire,
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A Mouse pad was where a mouse lived,
And a Backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife,
Paste you did with glue.
A Web was a spider's home,
And a Virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper,
And the Memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a Computer crash,
But when it happens they wish they were dead
Anon.
http://bestsmileys.com/dancing/6.gif, thanks was worth the wait... lol.
Had me in stiches.. lol thanks again.
Super Market mistake
This guy is in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde
behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although
familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
"Christ!" he says "are you that stripper at my bachelor party that I had on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my bum?"
"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"
http://bestsmileys.com/lol/9.gif
Omg, that was good.. thanks..
That one cracked me up when I found it.:-D
Would you trust this man with a gun?
http://pic14.picturetrail.com/VOL562/3301742/6764987/312142605.jpg
whahahahahaha.. only if he is no where near me....
Repulsive suit
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged.
Before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
whahahahaa.. omg some people are so dam nasty. .but at least that suite is gone...lol.
Pirate at a Bar :pirate:
A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate,
"How did you loose your leg?"
The pirate responded,
"I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked,
"What about you hand. Did you loose it at the same time?"
"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked,
"I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye? The pirate answered,
"I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked,
"How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?" The pirate snapped,
"It was the day after I got me hook!"
Darth Domain
11-04-2008, 16:22
Pirate at a Bar :pirate:
A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate,
"How did you loose your leg?"
The pirate responded,
"I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked,
"What about you hand. Did you loose it at the same time?"
"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked,
"I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye? The pirate answered,
"I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked,
"How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?" The pirate snapped,
"It was the day after I got me hook!"
:lolabove:
Omg...lol.. ouch that must have hurt.. thanks for that.. lol
Glad you guys enjoyed them :thumbup:
Redneck Jedi
You Might be a Redneck Jedi If.....:starwars:
* You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with ya'll."
* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
* You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
* The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
* Wookies are offended by your B.O.
* You have ever used the Force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
* You have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
* Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side... it'll be a hoot."
* You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
* You have a Confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
* You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
* Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
* You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
* You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.
* You were the only one drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
* Your business cards read "Billy Bob, Jedi Master".
* Your Y-wing fighter has a bumper sticker that reads "My other fighter is an X-wing".
* You know Ewoks squeal like pigs.
* You use your R-2 unit as a beer coaster.
* When your sister wears her metallic bikini, you insist she travels by clinging to you while swinging on a rope.
* Your land-speeder had a light saber rack.
* Your land-speeder has a bumper sticker that reads "Protected by Smith & Wesson Light Sabers"
* If you hear ... "Billy Bob, I am your father ... AND your uncle!"
WHAHAHAHA... oh dear that had me rolling...
Thank goodness for this thread...
thanks I really enjoyed that...
* Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank. . . . . proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
* Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
* A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw. "
* A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge. "
* Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
* Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!
* A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins -if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
* A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
* Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
* Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.
* A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see that her name is is Patricia Whack. He says, "Ms. Whack, I 'd like to take out a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name, and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial sum and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can us as collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there that claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."
http://bestsmileys.com/lol/1.gif
Omg, these are good.. lol..
Thanks..
* Some friars were behind on the belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close down. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest, toughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so -- thereby proving that....... Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
* Le theif
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
* The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!"
"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.
"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."
* Melting Silver
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do...Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,
"Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."
Lol.. as always you bring a http://bestsmileys.com/flipping/3.gif to my day...Thank you.
Lol.. as always you bring a http://bestsmileys.com/flipping/3.gif to my day...Thank you.
You're welcome Sharon truth is I most likely enjoy posting them as much a you guys enjoy reading them.:paper:
In the mean time:
* Mathematics...
There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had been fighting over for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.
The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.
When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms,
... thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
* A Dog Named Mace
A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside.
The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass.
He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.
That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight.
Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed,
"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"
* Rooster Bells
Uncle John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters. The roosters were there for one purpose-to fertilize the eggs. Uncle John kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot to be cooked for supper. The unfortunate victims were then replaced by another, hopefully, more productive candidate.
Now this took an enormous amount of time. So when Uncle John found a set of eight tiny bells (that each rang a different tone), he promptly bought them. He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep.
Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter.
His favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was and yet as Uncle John sat listening, Brewster's bell did not ring at all that morning. He went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing.
But Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Uncle John was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation.
They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise.
* Doughboy Dead at 71...
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including: Mrs.Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker and the Hostess Twinkies. The gravesite was piled high with flours and longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, squandering much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
* Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
* A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
* A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
* Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the _expression: "He who has a Tates is lost!"
* A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
* An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended but the malady lingers on."
* A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
* There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippo- potamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses
A: Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?
A: "Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"
Q: What is the difference between en elephant and a plum?
A: An elephant is grey.
Q: What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: "Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colour blind)
Q: How do you get four elephants into a Mini?
A: Two in the front, two in the back.
Q: What game do four elephants in a mini play?
A: Squash
Q: How do you get an elephant into the fridge?
1. Open door.
2. Insert elephant.
3. Close door.
Q: How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?
1. Open door.
2. Remove elephant.
3. Insert giraffe.
4. Close door.
. The lion, the king of the jungle, decided to have a party. He invited all the animals in the jungle, and they all came except one. Which one?
A. The giraffe, because he was still in the fridge.
Q: How do you know there are two elephants in your fridge?
A: The door won't close.
Q: How do you know there are three elephants in your fridge?
A: There'll be one waiting outside in the Mini.
Q: How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?
A: By the footprints in the butter.
Q: How do you get an elephant out of the water?
A: Wet.
Q: How do you get two elephants out of the water?
A: One by one.
Q: Why do elephants wear shoes with yellow soles?
A: So you don't see them when they float upside down in a bowl of custard.
Q: Have you ever seen an elephant floating upside down in a bowl of custard?
A: No, of course not.
Q: Why do elephants live in herds?
A: To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.
Q: How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?
A: Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch".
"An elephant is a mouse with an operating system"
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.
Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!
Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?
Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.
Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.
Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.
Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.
Q: How many legs does an elephant have?
A: Four, two in the front, two in the back.
Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Chicken's day off.
Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway?
A: About 5 mph (8kph in the rest of the world)
Q: How do you get an elephant into a VW?
A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.
Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
A: Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.
Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagen?
A: 2 in the front and 2 in the back
Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
A: Can't get the fridge door closed.
Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
A: There's a VW parked outside it.
Q: How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?
A: Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the fridge, A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW's!
Q: How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?
A: Open door, get two VW's out, put Tarzan in, close door.
Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
A: You can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO
Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
A: You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!
Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
A: The fridge isn't large enough to hold them all.
Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
A: Depends on the number of elephants.
Q: What did the fifth elephant in the VW discover?
A: The sun roof.
Q: The Lion (king of the animals) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all of them showed up except the elephants. Why?
A: They were stuck in the VW.
Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a VW?
A: None, the elephants are in there!
Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
A: Optimistic!
Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A: Free Parking.
Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
A: Sole use of the elevator.
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
A: It's bike is outside.
Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.
Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.
Q: Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
A: To sneak across a pool table without being seen.
Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.
Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.
Q: How do you make a dead elephant float?
A: Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons of bananas,.....
Q: How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?
A: Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.
Q: What if you don't want to wait fifty years?
A: Parachute him from an airplane.
Q: Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon?
A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.
Q: What is a furry alligator?
A: A bear that went into the woods at 3 o'clock.
Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: From stamping out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: From stamping out flaming ducks.
Q: Why are elephants feet shaped that way?
A: To fit on lily pads.
Q: Why isn't it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon?
A: That's when the elephants are walking on the lily pads.
Q: Why are frogs so short?
A: They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon.
Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A: 5 O'clock (trick question - not "Time to get a new fence..")
Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.
Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
A: No? Well, it must work.
Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?
A: They're all on the same team.
Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed?
A: He has a big 'E' on his pajamas jacket pocket.
Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.
Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.
Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).
Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
A: He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!".
Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant?
A: A dead ant.
Q: How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but you need a real big bulb.
Q: What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?
A: An elephant with spare parts
Q: What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of your car?
A: Getting TWO elephants into the back seat of your car!
Q: What's grey and puts out forest fires?
A: Smokey the Elephant.
Q: What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?
A: You miss most of the picture!
Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant?
A: Nothing, peanuts can't talk.
Q: How many elephants can you fit into a Mercedes?
A: 5. Two in the front, two in the back, and one in the glove compartment.
Q: How do you know when an Elephant has been in the baby carriage?
A: By the footprints on the baby's forehead!
Q: What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant.
LMFAO... had to copy that.. omg those are good..
Thanks..
LMFAO... had to copy that.. omg those are good..
Thanks..
You're welcome Sharon, the best way I know of to start the day is with a chuckle, it can set the mood for the rest of the day.:rofl:
What's the difference between an ape, an orphan, a prince, and a bald man?
An ape has a hairy parent, an orphan has nary a parent, a prince is an heir apparent, and a bald man has no hair apparent.
lol... oy keep them coming....
Revenge of The Blondes
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight
from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like
to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she
politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a
lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know
the answer, you pay me $5, and visa versa." Again, she politely
declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the
answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you
$50!" He figured that since she is a blonde that he will easily win
the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that
there will be no end to this torment, unless she plays, agrees to the
game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the
earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her
purse, pulls out a five dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it's the blonde's turn. she asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer looks at her
with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all
his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches
the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to
all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde
politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and
asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde
reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
Darth Domain
18-04-2008, 13:55
:lol:
whahahahahaha.. man that was sooo good.. thanks...
Blond Logic
Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced,
"Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about.
Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight
will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will
be delayed another three hours. But don't worry, we still have one engine left."
A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we
lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light
bulb.
A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're
looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
A3: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall
be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform
previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise
illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the
entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area,
demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at
the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by
the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited
to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation
at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of
elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the
party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,this
point being non-negotiable.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party
of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of
the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state,
local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first
part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of
the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a
manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of
this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur
in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the
party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the
objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the
fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
Brilliant i like that thanks :lol:
Whahahahaa.. omg thanks.. I needed that so much today...
Why Men Are Happier Than Women!
1. We keep our last name.
2. The garage is all ours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. We can be president.
6. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
7. Car mechanics tell us the truth.
8. The world is our urinal.
9. We never have to drive to another gas station because this one's
just too icky.
10. Same work, more pay.
11. Wrinkles add character.
12. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
13. People never stare at our chest when we're talking to them.
14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
16. One mood, ALL the time.
17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
18. We know stuff about tanks.
19. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
20. We can open all our own jars.
21. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.
23. Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
24. Everything on our face stays its original color.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
bolt.
27. We almost never have strap problems in public
28. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
29. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.
30. We don't have to shave below our neck.
31. Our belly usually hides our big hips.
32. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
33. We can "do" our nails with a pocket-knife.
34. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
35. We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in
45 minutes.
Got that one in an email... still love it.. lol.. thanks..
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were
kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's probably shouldn't have survived.
Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, and
when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. Not to mention the risks we
took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special
treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors! We
ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it,
but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
We shared our soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one
actually died from this.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode
down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running
into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were
back when the street lights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable!!
We did not have Play stations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all,
no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell
phones, personal computers, or Internet chat room. We had friends. We went
outside and found them.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but
us. Remember accidents?
We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to
get over it.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we
were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the
worms live inside us forever.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang
the bell or just walked in and talked to them,
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't
had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were
held back to repeat the same grade. Horrors! Tests were not adjusted for any
reason.
Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They
actually sided with the law. Imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk takers and problem solvers
and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation
and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to
deal with it all.
And you're one of them! Congratulations.
Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids,
before lawyers and government regulated our lives, ... for our own good???
Whahahahaha..I agree, but we the tough generation.. whoo whoo... lol.
Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day.
Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the liberal media. That
light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do
you hate freedom?
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while
the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb.
A: Two, the trick is getting the buggers in there.
Day1:
A blond comes home from school and says to her mum,"We learned how to count up to 5
today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blond, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"
Day 2:
"We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got
up to S. Is it because I'm blond, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"
Day 3:
"We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a
36DD. Is it because I'm blond, mummy?"
Mum replies: "No dear, it's because your 25.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
2. One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine
tools.
Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb
was.
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single
incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out
toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
You Know You're Getting Older When
"Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.
Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.
All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.
At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
It takes twice as long to look half as good.
It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
Someone compliments you on your layered look.... and you're wearing a bikini.
The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
The pharmacist has become you new best friend.
The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
When getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
When happy hour is a nap.
When tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.
When you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of the police.
When you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.
When you have a choice of two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home earlier.
When you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.
When you stop buying green bananas.
When you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
When you were in school there was no history class!
When your birth certificate says expired on it.
When you're told to act your own age, and you die.
You and your teeth don't sleep together.
You are 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, 96 around the golf course.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
You burn the midnight oil until 9:00 P.M.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.
You don't remember being absent minded.
You don't remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You feel like the morning after when you haven't been anywhere the night before.
You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.
You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
You get exercise acting as a pallbearer for friends who exercise.
You get winded playing chess.
You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.
You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."
You look both ways before crossing a room.
You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.
You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You sink your teeth into a steak ...and they stay there.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
You start video taping daytime game shows.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You turn off the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
Your back goes out more than you do.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.
Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
Your pacemaker raises the garage door when you see a pretty girl go by.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
You're suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. You go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.
http://bestsmileys.com/lol/4.gif omg so true....lol.. thanks as always really lifts the mood....
Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?
Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.
What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"
Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.
Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.
When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a bar code. I asked, "Are you two an item?"
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way
Question: How did Christopher Columbus finance his trip to America? Answer: With the Discover Card.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"
This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill."
A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
http://bestsmileys.com/lol/14.gif... you make me laugh...thanks...
http://bestsmileys.com/lol/14.gif... you make me laugh...thanks...
Isn't that what jokes are supposed to do ;)LOL I'm glad you enjoy them Sharon.
Here's Our Complete List of Silly Puns
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way
When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"
I was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me 'son.' I said, 'Why do you call me 'son'? You're not my father.' He said, 'I brought you up, didn't I?'
What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.
I get enough exercise just by pushing my luck.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"
Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.
Without geometry, life is pointless
I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and on the table was a checkered tablecloth. It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.
Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.
I went to a seafood disco rave last week and pulled a mussel.
What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
Which president was least guilty? Lincoln. He is in a cent.
A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Have you heard about the lawyers word processor? No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent? The FDA refused to license it, though. Seems it was habit-forming.
Question: How did Christopher Columbus finance his trip to America? Answer: With the Discover Card.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
The job was only so-so anyhow.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.
Did you hear about the optometrist who feel into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder & got a little behind in his work?
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing around in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. About an hour later the manager comes out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked as they moved along. "Because," said the manager, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A hiker was trekking through the forest and came upon a baby bald eagle that had fallen from the nest. The bird didn't seem well at all, but the hiker was unable to help. He gently placed the weak baby bird on a nearby branch and went on his way. A forest ranger tracked him down later and charged him with "Ill eagle in tree."
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.
A King ordered the heads of several of his counts chopped off because they refused to reveal where they had buried their treasures. As the axes began to fall, one count decided to change his mind, but it was too late. Moral: Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken. !"
A hangover is the wrath of grapes
A lady wrote to an advice column in a newspaper: 'I have been engaged to a man for some time, but just before the wedding, I find he has a wooden leg. Do you think I should break it off?'
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry, the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! ! You know, he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" No, she replied, "You just happened to catch my eye."
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy
A man opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent. He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.
A man recently invented a knife that cuts four loaves of bread simultaneously. He calls his invention a four-loaf cleaver.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
A medical doctor moonlighted as a theatre critic. When he published a critical review of a production of Madame Butterfly, the director of the show charged with "opera rating without a license."
A perverted burglar broke into a British museum and molested some of the life size statues of politicians. He was charged with statue Tory rape.
A princess gets her education one knight at a time.
A warehouse worker at Baccarat accidentally dropped a box of the fine crystal. So he wouldn't get in trouble he buried the box of shards in the ground. A co-worker saw him do this and led managers to where the crystal rested in pieces. The man was charged with breaking and interring.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother
A good pun is its own reword
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor
A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
An optimist is a very dense fog, but a bigamist is even denser.
And don't forget the Russian astronaut who was nervous about going into space so he took too many antidepressants, became psychotic and killed his fellow crew members on the space station. He was charged with premedicated MIRder.
And then there was the guy who stabbed his own mother to death as she slept in her bed. He was charged with "mattresside"
And there's the case of a pert and perceptive young lady of our acquaintance. Her boy friend is currently prospecting for oil somewhere in the Middle East. So she sent him a 'Get Well' card.
As the band were getting their instruments in key she said to the audience that this was a Chinese folk song called "Too Ning".
ASCII silly question, Get a silly ANSI
At a hearing aid center: 'Let us give you some sound advice.'
At one time, economic conditions caused the closing of several small clothing mills in the English countryside. A man from West Germany bought the buildings and converted them into dog kennels for the convenience of German tourists who liked to have their pets with them while vacationing in England. One summer evening, a local resident called to his wife to come out of the house. "Just listen!" he urged. "The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich!"
Baby seal walks into a club. What a tragedy.
Cell phones are a static symbol.
Cinderella was thrown off the basketball team because she ran away from the ball.
Compare a prisoner in shackles to one unshackled. It's the difference of a pinion
Corduroy pillows are making headlines
Dear, must you spend so much money on food? "Sorry, darling, but you and the kids just won't eat anything else!"
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Did you hear about the constipated composer? He couldn't finish the last movement.
Did you hear about the woman who escaped from the back of a police car? She was arrested for reading palms. She escaped because she was very short, only 4' 6" tall. The headline in the local newspaper read: 'Short Medium at Large.'
Diet slogan: Are You Going The Wrong Weigh
Dieting is a matter of life and breedth
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp...
Omg that was excellent...lol...
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp...
Omg that was excellent...lol...
:blink: :hysterical: Good one Sharon
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive.
Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he
said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancée, very
much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put
off by them."
"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and
always wear socks, even to bed."
This seemed to be a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom.
"Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."
"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."
"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new
husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for
the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed
your teeth. Not a word," her mother affirmed. She thought it was certainly worth a try.
The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony.
Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with
her morning silence, they managed quite well, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn, the husband awoke with a start to find that one of his socks had
come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searched the bed.
This, of course, woke his bride who without thinking, immediately asked, "What on
earth are you doing?"
"Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"
Omg http://bestsmileys.com/fainting/4.gif... imagine that...lol...
Diagnosis
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Darth Domain
29-04-2008, 17:53
:lol: you just keep em comin dont ya:-D
A bunch of psychiatrists went on their annual ski trip, i've never seen so many freudians slip
:lol: you just keep em comin dont ya:-D
A bunch of psychiatrists went on their annual ski trip, i've never seen so many freudians slip :goodone:
Yes I do Mark got a whole internet full.LOL ;)
A psychiatrist on a hike fell into a depression.:blub:
OMG nothing new for me too read.....
http://bestsmileys.com/sad/7.gif still nothing....http://bestsmileys.com/sad/8.gif
The Sin of Lying
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
My apologies for my lengthy absence I'm having some computer problems and my anti virus has gone south on me. I'm in the process of building a new computer and will be back as soon as I'm able.
http://bestsmileys.com/lol/4.gif
PLAYSNDIRT
13-06-2008, 23:09
That was a good one. And true!
http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f195/playsndirt/peace_sign.png
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